To Reminisce on That Which Only Brings Pain
by ShadowDragon-24
Summary: He seeks salvation from the ghosts that haunt his nightmares…yet, no matter where he turned another memory would uncover itself from the dark depths of his haunted mind… EdWin COMPLETE!
1. Ghosts

_**To Reminiscence on That Which Only Brings Pain **_

**Disclaimer: **I Don't Own _FMA_ in Any Way, Shape, Or Form.

**Rating: **PG—PG-13 Due To Bad Language and Angst.

**A/N: **OK, I _KNOW_ My Profile _SAYS_ that I don't write angst, but…I guess I need to let out some of my angstiness by writing an extremely emotional fic…-Averts gaze away from all fans who want to hurt her with pitchforks- Aw, crap…

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Edward shifted and turned over in his bed. His neck and face were covered in a cold sweat and he was struggling with a mental war going on in his mind. He turned on his back and clutched the bed sheets at his side.

"N-Nina…Al-Alphonse…" he panted hard, his breath stinging his sore throat from breathing so hard.

Although he and Al had returned, bodies restored, except for Ed's arm, his dreams—or rather, _nightmares_—were still haunted by the memories he would _much_ rather forget.

His eyebrows trembled nervously and the, oh so, cold, and taunting sweat continued.

_Nina smiled at the young teenage boy who played with her outside in the snow._

"No…no…please" he muttered.

_The young teenage boy smiled at the brunette little girl. "Wanna see something, Nina?" he asked happily._

"No…Nina…" it continued, as if his pleas for the nightmare to stop were unheard.

"_OK" Nina replied cutely. Alexander, Nina's dog, came to her side and barked playfully. _

"_Alright" Ed assured happily as he went to clap his hands together but stopped when Shou Tucker, Nina's father, came in front of him. Ed looked up at the man and smiled faintly._

"_Hello Mr. Tucker, I was just showing Nina a new Alchemy trick I've been working on" the young, blonde Alchemist explained. Shou said nothing but looked down at the blonde and his daughter._

"_Of course, Alchemy" Shou said quietly. "If you don't mind, Edward, I must take Nina to bed; a young girl her age needs rest after all" he told him humbly._

"_Um, not at all Mr. Tucker" Ed replied and looked to Nina. "I guess I'll show you later, huh?" he asked her as he smiled slightly. _

_Nina's hair shadowed over her eyes for a moment and she stayed silent. _

"_Nina?" Ed asked nervously as he put a hand on her shoulder and forced her, gently, to look up at him. He gasped as his golden eyes were met with bright white eyes, outlined with red. _

_Nina's small body suddenly transformed into that of the talking chimera mix of her and Alexander._

"_Nina!?" Ed breathed nervously. He looked around; they were no longer outside, but in Shou's laboratory. _

"_Ed—Ward" the chimera said in the strange voice. "Why? Why couldn't you save me?" it asked sadly._

"Nina…I'm sorry…I'm sorry!" Ed's broken voice mumbled apologetically in the dark room.

"_You couldn't save me…Why? Why didn't you stop daddy from doing this to me?" Nina asked sadly. _

"_Nina…no, I—" Ed stopped, looking for the correct words in his mind._

_The chimera mix looked down; its brown strands of hair covering its eyes._

_Ed began to hear a lowly growl coming from the chimera. "N-Nina?" he whispered shakily._

"_You couldn't save me" it began once more. "And now, no one will save you!" it declared as it stood up and snarled its sharp teeth at the young teenage Alchemist._

_Ed gasped and backed away nervously. "Nina, no!" he pleaded. _

Ed's sweat continued to roll down his face and neck. He clutched the sheets tightly at his sides and his brows continued to tremble. He gritted his teeth as the horrid dream continued and his mind seemed to find no salvation from it.

_The chimera growled angrily and then barked furiously at the boy, as if it had just found a prey it wanted to rip limb from limb. Its bark sounded like that of Alexander, yet, with more ferocity than any normal dogs bark._

_The creature began running towards the young Alchemist, each step pounding on the hardwood floor of the laboratory. _

"Nina, NO!!!" Ed pleaded nervously as he sat up in his bed and brought his Automail arm in front of him defensively. After he felt nothing attack, he carefully opened one of his eyes and looked ahead of him; no one and no _thing_ either.

His deep panting did not cease, though. Each breath stung his sore throat which, he was pretty sure, was red by now.

He swallowed the several lumps that had formed in his throat before, slowly, recollecting his composure. His heart beat hard and fast against his rib cage, threatening to destroy him from the inside. He brought his flesh hand, slowly, to his rapid beating heart, hoping the contact would calm him somewhat. Luckily, it did.

"It was…it was just a dream…a bad dream" he mumbled, his breath beginning to slow down. He lay back down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. His mind was blank for a few moments before an idea formed in his cranium.

_Maybe I should go for a walk_ he suggested to himself. _Yeah, I'll do that_ he decided. Ed carefully swung his legs to the side of his bed and stepped off. He then walked over to his dresser and pulled out his usual black pants, combat boots and brown belt. It was the dead of night, so he didn't bother getting his jacket.

As he pulled on his clothes, he hoped his outburst hadn't woken anybody else up; he didn't want to have to explain anything. Once he finished pulling on his clothes, he quietly peered his head outside his bedroom door. No one.

_Good; no one woke up_ he thought and carefully stepped out of his room, his combat boots in his right hand; he didn't want to make any noise with them.

He tip-toed his way to the stairs but, on his way down, he cursed the hardwood floor for creaking under his step. He quietly stepped into the kitchen and grabbed the house keys. After that, he slowly walked to the front door.

"Stop. Right. There" someone from behind demanded wearily.

Ed's eyes widened and he froze nervously. He carefully looked over his shoulder to a form a few feet behind him. It was a girl; he suspected it was Winry, due to the fact that she was holding a wrench in her hand.

"Who in the hell are you?" she demanded heatedly, obviously not realizing it was Ed.

"Winry, it's me, Ed" the Alchemist explained.

Winry squinted and soon, realization came over her. "Ed? But, what are you doing up? It's 3 A.M." she declared curiously. Ed's sigh was heard.

"I was going for a walk" he stated quietly.

"At 3 A.M.?" Winry asked, confused.

"I couldn't sleep, alright?" Ed retorted snippily.

Winry let out a breath. "Well, don't blame that on me!" she snapped and walked into the living room, turning on one of the lamps to illuminate the dark room. She sat down on the sofa, crossing her arms and looking away irately.

Ed sighed. "I'm…I'm sorry…I need to let off a bit of steam, I guess…I didn't mean to let it off on you" he explained.

Winry shrugged in response.

"How'd you wake up anyway?" Ed asked curiously.

Winry gave him an odd look. "Well" she began. "First, I heard you screaming, and, if that wasn't enough, I heard your steps as you walked down the stairs. I thought you were a burglar so I grabbed my wrench and went downstairs myself" the mechanic explained.

"Oh…sorry" Ed whispered.

"It's OK…Ed?" Winry asked nervously.

"Yeah?" Ed replied.

"What…were you screaming about? And…why couldn't you sleep?" the blonde mechanic asked quietly.

Ed sighed again. "I'd rather not tell you" he muttered under a breath and turned back to the front door. Before he reached the door, though, his Automail was pulled back. He looked and saw Winry holding his mechanical wrist.

"Would you rather go out there and bottle up your feeling? _Or_, would you rather stay here and _tell_ me what's going on?" the mechanic asked quietly.

Ed looked down and thought for a moment. "Knowing you, you probably won't let me leave alone…how about you come with me?" he asked her kindly.

Winry widened her eyes slightly. "Really?" she asked him curiously.

Ed nodded somewhat.

Winry looked at him sternly. "Is this a joke? Am I gonna race upstairs and get dressed and when I come down, you're not gonna be here?" she asked him strictly.

"As good as a plan as that sounds, no; I'll wait for you, I promise" Ed said, trying to sound humorous. It didn't work.

Winry glared for a moment and then turned to the stairs. "Stay put" she commanded before going upstairs. Ed rolled his eyes and leaned back on a nearby wall.

After a few minutes, Winry returned downstairs dressed in a pair of black, loose shorts that reached her knees and a white tank top.

Ed looked at her. "Let's go" he told her. Winry nodded and followed him as he walked to the front door. Ed quietly opened the front door and let her out before himself. He then closed and locked the door behind him and they went out on their walk.

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**A/N: **OK, chapter one…angsty…sort of :P this was meant to be a oneshot, I swear, but I didn't want to make it too long so, I'm cutting it off there for now and chapter 2 will be up soon. :P Do me a favor, please, and R&R, constructive criticism, no flames, thanks ;)


	2. Relief

_**To Reminiscence on That Which Only Brings Pain **_

**Disclaimer: **I Don't Own _FMA_ in Any Way, Shape, Or Form.

**Rating: **PG—PG-13 Due To Bad Language and Angst.

**A/N: **I'm sad :'( I got very little reviews for my first chapter -sobs- anyway, _IF_ there _ARE _any readers reading this story, here's chapter 2…

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The two walked. It was silent. Awkwardly silent. The only thing that could be heard was the small chirps of crickets, locusts, and cicadas in the distance. It was soothing but the bitter silence between them was unsettling.

Winry glanced over at Ed; he didn't notice and continued looking ahead, obviously lost in his thoughts. _Ugh, if I wanted complete silence we should have just stayed home_ she thought, somewhat aggravated.

She looked ahead once more, suddenly regretting taking Ed's offer. It was the middle of the night; she was tired and she was pretty sure Ed was too. Even if it didn't show too much, she was sure he was pretty tired, somehow.

Silently, the girl sighed. She began thinking herself…

_Is this what our friendship has come to? Nothing more than…this? Staying silent and barely giving each other second glances?_ She asked herself, dreadfully unhappily.

Her eyes drooped sadly as she held back the tears in her blue eyes. _I…I don't want it to be like this…I want to have some sort of communication with him_ she told herself. The mechanic turned back to her childhood friend.

"Ed?" she asked, rather quietly.

The teen didn't look at her but hummed his response. "Hmm?" he replied.

"Is this…" she paused for a moment, causing Ed to look over to her worriedly. "Is this how it's gonna be between us?" she asked finally.

Ed's eyes widened curiously. "What do you mean, Win?" he asked as he stopped walking and faced her.

Winry held her hands together and looked away anxiously. "I mean…Ed, ever since we left the house; it's been _dead quiet_ between us! You've barely looked at me and you haven't said one word to me, either" she explained, some anger hinted in her voice.

The Alchemist's eyes widened once more. "I…haven't?" he asked curiously.

The mechanic looked at him, incredulously. "Have you _not_ been paying attention!? We've walked down this path for about twenty minutes now!" she told him heatedly.

Ed looked at the ground and quickly thought back. "Oh no, Winry I'm so sorry" he apologized quickly. "I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts…I'm sorry, Winry, I really am!" he said as he quickly took Winry's wrist in his flesh hand.

The blonde mechanic immediately pulled her hand away from him and glared irately. "Ed, what the _hell _were you dreaming about that made you scream!?" she demanded heatedly.

Ed shrugged and looked away, really not wanting to explain himself. Nonetheless, he sighed and looked up to the sky. "Winry…when I first left to become a military dog, I had to pass a test in order to become a State Alchemist" he explained.

Winry looked at him curiously and waited for more.

"The test was a physical" Ed said as he looked back to his friend. "We had to show off our Alchemy skills. I had arrived early so Colonel Mustang suggested I stay with a State Alchemist who was living in the area. The guy's name was Shou Tucker; he was known as 'The Sewing Life Alchemist' because of his skills in chimera building" he explained further.

Before he could continue, Winry briefly interrupted. "What's a…chimera?" she asked.

"An Alchemical hybrid between two or more animals in which their genetics are fused together" the response sounded, almost, like a textbook definition, it probably was too.

Winry nodded and allowed Ed to continue. "Anyway, this guy had a younger daughter named Nina; she was only five or six at the time. Shou was working on this 'talking chimera' experiment for the State Alchemist Qualification exam—even current Alchemist had to take it in order to prove their worthy to be called 'Human Weapons' or State Alchemists" he informed.

"OK, but what does all this have to do with your screaming?" Winry asked as she crossed her arms.

Ed sighed sadly and looked to the ground. "He…he used his dog…" he began quietly.

The blonde mechanic looked at her friend worriedly.

"He used his dog…and his only daughter to make the talking chimera" Winry's eyes widened nervously; the thought of a father using his own daughter in a desperate attempt to stay a military dog frightened her in more ways than one.

"Oh my God" the girl whispered as she brought her hand to her chest.

"He had done something like it before…the first time he had attempted the talking chimera experiment he had used his own wife…he later told Nina that her mom was on a long trip when, in truth, she was dead" Ed said sorrowfully.

Winry's eyes stayed wide in nervousness.

"Nina…was later killed by Scar that night…" The Alchemist told her. He then explained to her what had happened in his dream that had frightened him so much.

Winry took a step back from Ed nervously. She looked down at the ground, a sad and contemplative look on her face. "How? How could a father do that to his own daughter?" she asked to no one in particular.

"That's the stuff I've been subject to ever since I had first become a military dog" Ed began once more. "And it's exactly why I never let you into what was happening in me and Al's life" he explained sadly. "It's not because I didn't care, Win, it's because I was worried about you. I know it's hard to have a relationship with someone like me and I apologize for everything I've done to you in the past; especially if I've let you down" he informed apologetically.

Winry looked to him once more; their eyes met.

Ed looked into her azure eyes, filled with sadness and love at once.

Winry stared into his golden orbs, filled with burdened depression, determination and compassion at once.

Suddenly, the mechanic wrapped her arms around Ed's waist and buried her face into the crook of his neck. "You could never let me down, Ed" she whispered, holding him tighter, practically engraving her nails into the skin of his back.

The Alchemist flinched slightly from the pain of her nails driving through the skin of his back. Gently, he placed his hands around her waist and held her tightly. "That doesn't make it any less right, Winry…and I'm sorry for that…I'm sorry for leaving you" he said sadly, pressing his fingers into her back.

Winry laid her head on the teens shoulder. Ed, in return, placed his forehead down on her shoulder, letting his bangs shadow over his eyes.

It stayed silent as they held each other. Even the evening chirping of cicadas and other insects had stopped.

Out of the corner of her eyes, Winry could see that the breezes that past played with Ed's bangs slightly.

She began wondering. Wondering why Ed's life had to be so cruel. Why was he destined to become a State Alchemist? Why had his fate been chosen so brutally? Why did he have to suffer by losing an arm and leg and his younger siblings body? Why was he chosen to see so much blood at such a young age?

Why? Why him? Why not another? What right did Fate and Destiny have to take away his childhood and everything he cared for!?

_Why couldn't have been me? _She asked herself sadly. _Why did he have to suffer!? Why!?_ She began to cry lightly on his shoulder now.

Ed soon felt the warmth and moisture on his shoulder and he shot his head up quickly. "Winry?" he asked worriment obviously in his voice.

The mechanic pulled away slightly, keeping her arms wrapped around the Alchemist's waist. "…Why, Ed? Why did you have to suffer so much? Why couldn't have been someone else? Why? Why did it have to be _you_?" she asked sadly as she looked into Ed's eyes with tears in her own.

Ed thought for moment before responding as best he could.

"I don't know"

Winry sobbed more at his reply and recoiled herself to his chest. "It's not fair…it's not fair" she whispered.

"Yes it is" Ed pointed out quietly. "Equalivalent Exchange" he explained.

The blonde mechanic pulled away and looked at him, slightly confused. She then tilted her head, understanding as his words sank in. "I…I see" she mumbled.

"I've made mistakes, Winry; maybe that's why I had to suffer, as did Al along with me" Ed tried to say.

"No!" Winry interjected strongly. "I don't want to hear that you've made mistakes! You're_ not_ a sinner, Ed! I know you're not!" she told him powerfully.

The Alchemist looked at her sternly. "Winry, I performed a Human Transmutation; I committed a sin…therefore, a sinner is what I am" he explained.

Winry lowered her head and drove her nails into his back again. "I hate hearing that though; it makes me feel like your nothing more than a worthless person when I know you're not" she told him sorrowfully.

At this point, Ed felt as if Winry's nails had finally broken skin. Nonetheless, he let her words sink in and he looked at her with a small and happy smile. Carefully, he brought his flesh hand to the mechanics chin and gently forced her to look at him.

Winry looked at him slightly confused. Seeing him lean in closer, her eyes widened fairly.

Ed, cautiously, placed his lips on hers in small, two to three second, kiss before pulling away and looking at her affectionately.

Winry recoiled a hand to her lips, taken aback by the Alchemist's act.

"At least _you_ don't think I'm worthless" Ed said with a suggestion of contentment in his tone of voice.

Winry looked up at him and smiled slightly. "I guess that's all that matters, huh?" she asked jokingly.

Ed began leaning in once more as did Winry.

The mechanic carefully brought a hand to the back of his neck before the two engaged in a passionate kiss.

Any feeling of sadness was pushed aside and all thoughts of contentment and passion were put into the kiss to unleash each other's full potential of infatuation towards one another. The world seemed to have stopped just to watch the two kiss.

Winry ran a hand over Ed's chest, soon leading it to the back of his neck.

The Alchemist stroked Winry's back adoringly in return.

Soon, they unwillingly parted; realizing they needed to breathe once more.

Winry stared at the blonde in front of her affectionately.

Ed managed to smirk, even though his breathing was heavier than usual.

Winry smiled and placed a hand on Ed's Automail arm, signifying that he bring the arm down to his side.

Of course, the teenage Alchemist obliged and Winry slipped her hand into his metallic one, letting her fingers intertwine with his.

Ed smiled at the fact that she had chosen his Automail; it didn't surprise him but it made him feel less conscious towards himself. It let him know that Winry cared for him and the part of him that _she_ made.

Winry pulled away and the two walked back home, hand-in-hand and without a word, as what they had done said more than words could _ever _describe.

_**Fin**_

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**A/N: **Please R&R, constructive criticism, no flames :) thanks!

**P.S. **This story is _complete_!


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